I Would Have Named Him Philip
by ThisDuckShallEatYourPickleJar
Summary: After Christine ran off with Raoul, Phantom went crazy. Raoul was always crazy, and having to put up with him made Christine crazy. Raoul's alter-ego, Bisexual Man, has a goal and a really creepy outfit to help him reach it. Basically, it's crazy people.
1. Chapter 1: The Escape

** Hello my lovely readers! This is my first Phantom story being posted, and I'm very surprised I did it. I've been very dependent on my co-author to write the other stories I have done (which you should check out, by the way: "What the Heck is Wrong with These People?" its sequel "There is Something Seriously Wrong with These People" and don't forget a story we wanted to call "We Couldn't Even Think of a Name to Match the Awesomeness of This Story" but that wouldn't fit. So we called it "Totally Hilarious Just READ IT!" All of those are Twilight parodies and twice… maybe three times as funny as this one. Because I had a co-author. So you should read them too.**

** Well that got long. I don't own these characters, duh. So don't bug me. But DO review!**

Some may ask me, "Do you regret picking Raoul?"

Heck yes I do.

House shopping was the worst. I've always wanted a house on a mountain. Ever since I was a little girl. But Raoul claims it makes his hair frizzy. I figured a rich guy could buy me a house on a mountain. But no. Mr. Conditioner has frizzy hair at high altitudes.

I crept down the stairs, mindful not to wake my child. That's another thing. I _wanted_ to name him Philip. But Raoul wanted to name him Gustave.

Anyways, as I crept down the stairs, I was running through my plan in my mind. _I just have to escape and beg Erik to help me return and get Gustave. Whom I will rename Philip._ I got to the door, slowly turned the knob, pulled on it…

And the hinges creaked.

"OH MY GOSH. CAN I NOT GET MY HALF-BRAINED HUSBAND TO FIX A SQUEAKY DOOR SO I CAN ESCAPE?" I yelled to no one in particular. I heard Conditioner-brain get out of bed above me, so I sprinted out the door. But, lucky me, I got about five feet out the door and slammed into something. I had completely forgotten that there was a wall there. _Wait…. But there ISN'T a wall there! It's a creepy shadowy figure! And I thought I lost my mind._ I laughed at myself, and then realized that this might be worse than the alternative.

"Who are you? And why are you impersonating a wall?" I asked the creepy silhouette.

"Christine… It is I, Erik, come to help your plan. I too hate the name Gustave!" he used his mystery-voice that he reserves only for high-intensity moments.

"What? How did you know about my plan? Or Gustave? Which by the way is yours."

"The Phantom knows all!" He swished his cape around dramatically. "And I have a son? Yay! Yippee!" He skipped around in circles, then stopped to smell a lovely red tulip.

"But if I don't get out of here, you'll never have custody! Run!" I pulled up my annoying fancy dress and ran next to Phantom, dreaming of a better life. Raoul stood on his porch and looked at us funny. He then turned around and called my name, so I'm pretty sure he thinks we're just some people running. Not his wife that is filing for divorce and his arch nemesis helping her escape. But he doesn't know much. He thinks Gustave is his son, even though he and I have never… you know. He thinks we did, though. He thinks that… mating… is _checkers. _So during our honeymoon, all we did was play checkers. I seriously think his shampoo kills brain cells.

"I got a new horse. It is even more dark and mysterious than the first!" Erik informed me as he helped me onto his new dark and mysterious horse.

"It's black… Just like the other one…"

"Yes, but now I have two dark and mysterious horses, but I need a reason to brag about it, so I am claiming he is even more dark and mysterious," he jumped on in front of me, and as I latched onto his back, he cracked his Twizzler rope and we eloped. If you could call it that.

**Ta-da! Review please. I need ideas! We HAVE to make a naggy Christine. And a homosexual Raoul. But give me some INSPIRATION, people! Love you for reading! Love you FOREVER if you review! It's a little blue button…. Closer….. closer….. CLICK IT!**


	2. Chapter 2: Bisexual Man!

** Chapter 2, my dear readers! I don't own these characters. Duh.**

As I entered into Erik's apartment-like cave by way of the 'gondola of doom' as Erik likes to call it, I noticed I really screwed him over. His lair had deteriorated, becoming a huge mess. The mannequin of me in my bridal gown was now nailed to the ceiling of the rocky home, but something was different about it…

"Hmmm… That doll thingy looks different…"

"I cut its head off," Phantom told me like there was nothing wrong with that fact.

"Ah. Why?" _Is it because he was mad at me for leaving him? Nah, no way._

"It's because I was mad at you for leaving me."

"Ha! You're so funny, always the joker. Ha!" I sat on his piano bench and looked around at the crumbling home around me. I then looked down to the keys of the piano and saw a HUGE spider sitting on the keys.

"SPIDER!" I yelled.

"NO! It's my stuffed spider Henry!"

"SPIIIIIIDDDDEEEERRRR!" I picked up the piano and began to bang it on the rocky floor.

"NO! STOP! MY PRECIOUS! NO!"

"Too late. This thing is pretty messed up now. No use to you anymore!" I threw the now broken piano into the still water, causing a huge crash.

"AHH! YOU'RE GONNA DROWN IT! All of the memories!"

"Silly, pianos can't drown!"

"No, I'm talking about Henry!" he yelled as he jumped in the water to save his stuffed animal that had gone into the water with the piano. He submerged himself and began to dive for the spider. Bored, I picked the piano out of the water and laid it in Phantom's bed, making sure to tuck it in. Erik came up a few seconds later, crying. "It's too deep. I can't find him! It's no use!"

Suddenly, a falsely high-pitched voice echoed through the chambers of the cave. "You can't escape me, for I am BISEXUAL MAN!"

"Raoul, get out of here," I yelled to him before I even saw him. "And you had better not be wearing that costume! It's still illegal!"

"Awww… But only you and the other sexy guy that loves you will see!"

I watched as Erik's face twisted into what looked like pure horror. He looked funny, so I decided to continue to torture him. "Oh, alright. Come on in! I'm sure Erik would _love_ to give you a hug!"

"Ooh, goody!" he squealed as he floated in on his rhinestone-encrusted gondola. He was in fact wearing his costume, which was a bright yellow leotard. But not _any_ leotard. It was a _fishnet_ leotard. I tried not to die of laughter as Raoul shimmied, yes, _shimmied_, over to Erik. Erik was frozen in terror as Raoul licked his lips and checked out Phantom.

"OHEMGEE GO AWAY! I'M TRYING TO FIND MY STUFFED SPIDER!"

"The water is so shallow I can wade in it, so I can get it for you, big boy!" Raoul creepily suggested before he dove into the water. Large air bubbles came up from his exhale as he swam around in the murky water. Soon the bubbles stopped, and I inhaled deeply in anticipation.

"IS HE DEAD? I HOPE SO!" As if I was calling him, he emerged from the water.

"Got it!" he yelled as he held the dripping spider above his head. He then froze, furrowing his eyebrows and looking upwards. He stayed like that, muscles tensed, until tiny bubbles floated to the surface behind him.

"Ewww….." I heard Erik whisper. He soon got over it and lunged for Henry the spider. Raoul held it away from him, just out of reach.

"Nuh-uh-uh! I have a deal to make with you. I have two requirements. Number one: You must return Christine to me!"

"Done! You can have her! I love Henry _much_ more!" Erik replied without hesitation.

"No he wo-!" I tried to yell but I couldn't finish because Erik quickly covered my mouth. _I knew I should have run off to Danny instead of this fool!_

"Who is this Danny?" Erik and Raoul yelled in unison.

"WHAT THE CRAP? YOU TWO READ MINDS?" I felt oddly violated.

"Dearest, you yelled it out loud," Phantom replied with a look of confusion.

"Oh…"

"Moving on," Raoul said, drawing the attention back to him and his disgustingly dressed self. "Demand number two: Erik, you must do one last thing. Play _checkers_ with me!" I rolled my eyes and looked at Phantom.

"I love checkers!" he exclaimed before motioning to Raoul to follow him into his study, where he had a checkers board.

"I'm such a player!" I heard Raoul mutter under his breath as he passed by me, following Erik.

_Why me?_

**Yay! I'm finished! Like it? Review. Hate it? Review and tell me you loved it. It will make me feel better. CLICK THE BUTTON! NOW! I shall give you a muffin!**


	3. Chapter 3: The OTHER Escape

**Right now I'm on my way home from Texas, so I'm bored and writing to pass the time on this 14-hour trip. Fun, huh? Nope. Anyways, I sadly don't own any of these insane characters. Read and review, please, for my own sanity! :D**

So yeah, Erik traded me for his stuffed spider, Henry. Was he trying to get back at me for leaving him? Nah. He definitely still loves me.

Anyways, after the really creepy game of checkers between the two guys, Raoul showed me inside his rhinestone-incrusted gondola and pushed us away with a wink to the oblivious Phantom, who went back to Henry.

"Raoul, you need to get dressed," I suggested. _Strongly_ suggested.

"I am dressed! Besides, what would I wear?" he had a point. What could he wear? Suddenly, I had an idea.

"I have some extra clothes in the storage area," I told him. "You could wear some of my clothes."

"Oh, girl clothes? I bet Phanny would love that!"

"Phanny?" I asked Raoul, confused. Then, it hit me. "You're calling Phantom _Phanny?_"

"Um, yes! Isn't it an adorable nickname?"

"No! It sounds like fanny, which means butt!"

"I think it's cute!" Raoul put his hands on his hips defiantly. "Now where do I go to get to this storage area you speak of?"

I sighed. "Tie the gondola up on that peg sticking up out of the wall."

"What peg?" Raoul looked straight up, then into the water.

"It's next to the ladder!" Raoul continued to look up and own, confused. Annoyed, I grabbed his face and turned it towards the rusty latter that came out of the water and led all the way up to a hole in the ceiling that was just big enough for a person to climb through.

"Oh, that ladder," he said, obviously feeling stupid, which he should.

He did as he was told and tied up the gondola to the peg. He looked up into the pitch-black hole in the ceiling and poopooed in his leotard. Well, more like _through._

"Ewwwww….." is all I could say to that. I shoved him into the water and climbed up the ladder fearlessly. Raoul climbed out of the water and followed me up the ladder, visibly shaking. "Oh, grow up," I rolled my eyes and kicked him in the face, which made him let go and fall into the water again. While he was in the water, I quickly hoisted myself inside the storage space and flicked on the light. Raoul quickly followed.

"What is that? It glows! It's round and it glows!" Raoul looked at the light bulb in pure amazement.

"Well Erik invented time travel and went into the future and took a light bulb, which he recreated and created electricity and all that stuff. Pretty stupid, huh?"

Raoul was still staring at the light bulb. "Um, yeah… Pretty stupid…"

"Stop staring at it. You'll blind yourself," I ordered, starting to browse the racks of clothing. I picked out a blue cotton dress with a small beaded handbag for me to change out of my black escape clothes. I walked over to my special section of the room where I kept all of my incognito clothing. I picked out a black fluffy shirt and some white pants for Raoul, because I wanted him to look extra gay.

"Hey, why are you going to wear men's clothing? I think that would be frowned upon," Raoul scolded.

"You're wearing this," I held up the black shirt and white pants. "_I'm_ wearing this," I held up the blue dress and handbag. I threw Raoul's clothes at him and snuck off into the dressing room. Yes, dressing room. Phantom is that rich.

Some whore-licious music from 2009 was playing (also from time travel). I believe it was by some teenage girl that took some icky pictures. I believe her name is… Miles Cyrene? No… Wiley Cyrose? Nope. Miley Cyrus! Yes, that's it.

I changed into my blue dress and checked myself out in the mirror for a good five minutes.

Suddenly, the mirror starts to move. I jumped backwards and gasped overenthusiastically. The mirror opened like a door would and Erik walked out, yawning and stretching. Suddenly, he opened his eyes wide and jumped back a few inches.

"Oh my… I thought you had left!" he said loudly. I shushed him as an idea jumped into my brain.

"Shhh…. I have a plan! We can sneak through here and go back to your place, close off the gat so he can't get back in, but then we go off and get back Gustave!"

"Oh, good one… Too bad, I made a deal with Raoul. I had to give you back," he shrugged.

"You did give me back. But he never said you can't steal me again," I suggested hopefully.

"Oh, yeah! But I don't steal. I only kill."

"He pooped in your water."

"THAT NOOB!" Phantom whisper-yelled.

"Noob? Oh, never mind. Let's go!" I grabbed his arm and ran into the tunnel behind the mirror, escaping for the second time tonight. "He'll wait for me for a good 5 hours, so we can go ahead and get Gustave. Raoul is an idiot!"

"I know," Phantom said as-a-matter-of-factly. "He pooped in my water!" Phantom growled. "I must kill him now!"

**Click the button? For me? Please? If you want Raoul to DIE, REVIEW! **


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